Welcome to midlife! AKA the season of never-ending transitions!
Career shifts. Kids leaving the nest. Caring for aging parents. Changes in our bodies. And for some of us (like me), divorce.
My first big midlife transition started in my early 40s when I realized my marriage was in trouble.
We eventually broke things off in 2012, and frankly, my world imploded.
Not only was I struggling with all sorts of misplaced feelings of guilt, shame, and failure—my ex-husband and I had a matchmaking business and TV show together. So, the divorce was PUBLIC.
I was so, so, so, not ready.
During my divorce, I felt like I was living two lives—putting on a brave face during the day but crumbling inside when I was alone with my thoughts and two chihuahuas in an empty home.
Some days, it was a struggle to get out of bed.
But out of that hardship came my book, The New Single. Instead of writing about dating in my 40s, the juicy secrets behind our divorce, or even starting over. My book is about finding, fixing, and falling back in love with myself!
Embracing change
Divorce is symbolic of change. Even though my divorce inspired the book, those same strategies have been my go-to every time life throws me a curveball. Whether it's menopause, career challenges, relationship struggles, or any changes we go through as we age.
And now, I want to share the tips I've discovered to help anyone start over after midlife transitions and build a better future!
Take things day by day
Early in my divorce, the best advice I got was from my boss at the time. He said, "Things will not be like this 365 days." While I was in the depths of my grief, I could NOT process 365 days. But I could focus on the next 90. Then the next and the next.
Soon, three months turned into three years, turned into six years, and so on. I just took each tiny step at a time, knowing that all these feelings would pass if I kept moving forward.
Understand you are not your relationship status
It's crucial to remind yourself that your worth isn't tied to your relationship status, career status, financial status, age, or ANYTHING external.
Whenever I feel rejected, disappointed, or don't get something I want, I remind myself that whatever that "thing" is isn't who I am. External factors don't define your identity—it's shaped by your inner strength and resilience.
Stop misremembering the past
It's tempting to romanticize the past. It was so much easier when I was married. Life was much more fun when I was 20. My last job was such a better fit. But we forget about the wine we chugged after coming home from that job, how toxic that relationship was, or how insecure we were when we were younger.
Misremembering the past is a thing we ALL do, but it's so important to try to stop and instead live for today because there are so many beautiful things happening all around us all the time if we stop and look.
Unclutter your life to declutter your heart
Channeling my inner Marie Kondo, I began decluttering my physical space. What I didn't realize was that tidying up my surroundings was also clearing mental clutter and finding much-needed clarity.
It's amazing how a clean space can bring peace of mind. Whether transitioning to a new phase of life or simply seeking clarity in your day-to-day, decluttering your environment can help you focus on what truly matters.
Visualize the future
I'm a firm believer in the power of visualization. Creating a vision board became my secret weapon for healing myself after my divorce. And I don't mean pasting a bunch of yachts and Birkin bags on a poster board. I mean deeply thinking about what kind of future you want to create for yourself after whatever transition you're experiencing, both internally and externally.
For me, I put the words "Own Your Power" at the top and added images that were powerful to me. I realized that the board allowed me to visualize my future more clearly and take action. Having that kind of vision is SUCH an essential part of the healing process through a big transition!
Value your values
I wasn't sure who I was after my divorce. This kind of identity crisis often happens in transitions. For example, after leaving a job or figuring out your next step after raising kids, it's important to look back and reevaluate your values. What's important to me? What am I willing to accept? What do I want my life to look like? Who do I want to attract into my life?
In times of uncertainty, your core values act as your guiding light. Your values are the foundation of who you are and will help you navigate any life transition with grace and authenticity.
WANT MORE? Check out this video version of this blog, where I go a little deeper into my story and some of these tips!
These strategies helped me weather the storm of divorce, midlife, and menopause.
If you've been through a similar journey or you're facing your own transitions, I'd love to hear from you. Drop your story in the comments below!
If you're in midlife and feeling stuck, I invite you to download my free Unlock Your Bold Guide. It has five steps to activate your inner bold to achieve your next chapter.
Remember, your confidence comes from within.
Embrace your journey, and don't be afraid to rewrite your story. I'm rooting for you every step of the way!
xo,
Tamsen
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